Thursday, December 6, 2012

Where's the fast forward button?

Today's beginning was a little sad. I got ready for work and dropped the baby off. My house was darkened and empty except for us. It was eerily quiet~ and lonely, except for his sweet little 12 week old cries.

I thought about the stark reality that our marriage could end. I felt like I was mourning and I fought every urge to just throw in the towel and tell him to come back now. I miss him. The parts of him that I love. I feel like he's a stranger now, and I long for what I thought I had.

 It hasn't even been a week. Maybe I'm not so strong? The feeling of loss of our dreams, love, betrayal, the unanswered question of where we will end up years from now penetrates my very soul. Then the tears come randomly. Many times and days very often. Can I follow through on boundaries? Am I being too harsh? I am unsure of myself, I start to say maybe I AM being too harsh. I start to feel confused. He's manipulating again. I hear "all I want to do is come back home and love our family, why are you (me) making this so difficult?" Why am I? Because I continue to research this addiction. I clearly see his double mindedness, his instability, his abusive patterns, his dishonesty. I see a confused man who wants desperately to save his family but is willing to do only the minimum. That would mean he simply wants control. **Sigh.** Why won't he do more? I tell myself I know the answer. He's the addict. He doesn't see clearly. He tells me I am pushing him beyond arms length now, and I'm uncaring and self righteous. Doesn't he understand it's harder to do this than to cave?

No. He doesn't. His brain has been broken. I'm second only to his addiction. I KNOW this, so why do I question myself? **sigh**

I've started communicating with my long lost uncle via email and he wrote to me today. In some strange way I needed his out reach. He knows nothing of what's going on in my life. He just knows what my childhood was like. My dad was one of the most cruel people to exist. He was the most calculated, educated, abusive drunk alive. He was just evil.We endured so much abuse, both physical and emotional. My dad died this year. The police found him dead. I couldn't attend his funeral. I left home at 15. We had only talked once in 17 years. He never cared to make it right. I'm filled with pain. Not at his death per say, but from living a life of an unloved child. I wonder many times how I survived. One thing's certain now, as I look at my marriage I am sure, I am a codependent. I need 12 steps. I wanted to attend a CoSa meeting tonight, bu it's an hour away and I was at work all day, and without a sitter tonight. Why is it SAA has 3 meetings a week, but CoSa only has 1 with very few people attending? Don't women want to heal? What to do...

What a year of discovery. I don't like it right now. I'm ready to push fast forward. Where's that button?! ;)

I've been blessed and able to find greater strength through a few more websites I've found, Partners of sex addicts-, and Sisterhood of Support- Through reading these I know once again, despite his accusations and lies, I am not insane or cruel.

I still miss him. I miss our family. I want to crumple on the floor and just cry all night. I can't say it won't happen.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I can survive

I forgot to add, after being all depressed and such today, I forced myself to find and try a new sitter so I can work and not have to rely on his family. I did it. Success. New sitter found, and dropped the baby off for 2 hours! Got my nails "did", and chatted with my girlfriends on the phone. I can survive on my own. If that's how it ends up, I must know I can do it. I can.

The Homecoming

He wants to come home. Of course he does. Yesterday in the parking lot of the mall while exchanging the 2 year old, we had maybe the best conversation in 3 1/2 years of marriage. Then today I logged on to facebook, and what seemed like 325,546 solacious female friends we "might like" were on my profile. We once had a joined account. Girls he had no doubtedly "viewed." JOINED account, and he was still looking up as much facebook porn as his pigboy self could get away with. That was all it took for me to snap back into depression. I was doing ok for a couple days.

Went boot and make up shopping (you know how that can take the edge off;) last night, drank some wine (I dont even drink), not saying its the right way to deal with anything, but I did it purposefully and I'm not that sorry right now.

He denies that he's a sex addict tonight on the phone. That he "had" a problem, but it's "better than ever now". Lord, give me STRENGTH. HOW is a woman to deal with this?

You know the hardest is his denial and lies. My self esteem is in utter ruin right now. This addiction can make me feel like I'm losing my mind. But then I's not me who's wrong. It's the broken brain of him craftfully manipulating me once again. He repeats the same thing over and over.

Things I HATE to hear:
1. "You watch " (how good he can be)
2. "Just be nicer"
3. "Just be sweeter and more loving"
4. "Just be more forgiving while I work through this"
5. "I don't have an addiction. I HAD an addiction, but that was 3 months ago. I'm having no issues now. Be happy for my success"
6. "I just want us to pray together, to have more scripture study and be at church together. That's all I want honey" Obviously not.
7. " I just want to be good" Yep, right.

When he starts saying these phrases (which he repeats what seems like thousands of times), I begin to tune out. I feel like Dorothy, and all I want is to click my slippers and go home. Out of this mess. Out of insanity.

Click click.

We compromised on the homecoming. He can stay the weekend. No sex. Separate beds. He must leave Sunday. He missed his SA meeting tonight. He hasn't been to counseling in 2 weeks. He claims he's sober. I don't consider him in real recovery.

Monday, December 3, 2012

I feel sick

What a day and I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I should just question my own sanity. I called my mother in law to find out if she could watch the kids tomorrow, while I go to work, and I proceeded to ask her if she would still watch them if he moved out. Mr. C (we'll call him that) and I have been fighting all weekend. Terribly. He's been in my face, whether I'm angry or in tears telling me we aren't separating and I just need to "be nice and sweet", instead of being angry all the time. I am angry all the time. So, MIL, said she would watch the 2 year  old, but not the baby til he was older bc they live an hour away, and I'm nursing the baby. So, I'd need to find a sitter. Ok, I'm bitter. She calls my husband while he's at work today to tell him politely that I want him gone. He says ok (Ok?!! wtf?), after he's battled me over it for 3 months? I swear I marrried Jekyll and Hyde. He acts all smooth and in control and calls me to say his parents will come get his clothes. All I really want is for him to realize I'm hurt and do everything it takes to make it up to me and be a changed man. But, he doesn't and he won't. I push, and he gets angry. Someone else pushes and he acts like perfectly controlled person. My MIL calls me to tell me they are on their way to get the 2 year old and Mr. C's clothes. I refused to let the 2 yr old go. Screw it. Maybe he'll think I'll take off with them both. I should. He doesn't deserve to breathe right now, or be a dad. He's no example.
 Let's see, this weekend he hid my keys and my phone again like I'm a hostage, and refuses to leave or let me leave, then the parents call him up, and he just says ok?

God, please tell me I don't have to live with insanity forever. My MIL calls while they're on their way over and tells me I've never been happy anyway and maybe this is the best. Asks me if I'm ok, and suggests maybe I "should see somebody", maybe I have "post partum depression". Yeah, so my husband jacks off to porn for at least 6 months of my pregnancy (not the first time either, he also did it with our first son), and is half present mentally at his birth, is a self centered, self serving, critical jack a**, but maybe it's just me "suffering from post partum depression"

I'm very heated inside. I've been crying all afternoon and eve. My 2 year old looks at me and tells me it's going to be ok. The baby has cried all day. I haven't seen my 7 year old since Thanksgiving bc I'm always arguing with Mr. C. I feel like a total loser for ending up here.

How am I going to raise all these kids on my own?
I feel worthless, insane, ugly, and depressed. Yet, I get bursts of hopefulness. maybe the Lord is blessing me with bursts of sanity. Truth is I don't know how I haven't cracked completely yet. Maybe I have. What would that be? Sitting in a corner thumb sucking? I'm nearly there.

He called me some very bad names this weekend. He man handles me when I get mad. Or sad. He's put several bruises on my body lately, because I'm being mean and unreasonable and he's trying to get me to listen.

He's only been to 2 SA meetings and 1 counseling session in 3 months. He says his urge is "just gone" now and he doesn't know how to explain it. "The Lord is helping him." Right. I've heard all that before. No, he insists. THIS time, it's "different", the feelings the "pull", just "aren't there anymore" I hate him.

Mr. C gets to eat and sleep at mommy and daddy's bed and breakfast, have his parents watch his kids when he needs to, and think about how he tried to make it better but I was just "mean", and "nursing my wound"
 How can I love and hate someone so much at the same time?

He wore temple garments when I met him.
He had his hands down my pants on our first date. Clue.
He had an affair with a married woman before we met, ONLY bc "she came after him, and he was so lonely" Clue.
He was still single, never married at age 40. Clue
He was still taking the sacrament throughout his porn viewing. Pig.

There's just so much more I could vent about. Like the time he would jump on facebook every time I walked out the door to post comments on a girl at his work office's page. Come to find out he knew her before she started working there and he liked her. We were just married. Pig boy. Pig boy. Pig boy.

Some days, todays' one of them, I don't know how I'm going to piece it all together and make myself whole again.

I feel shattered.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

All 34 glitter candles was the year we wed

2009. All 34 glitter candles. That was the year I married him. Freshly separated from my former spouse. who wasn't LDS. I had 3 children, a super easy and peaceful divorce after 15 years of marriage...and then, I married HIM. The sex addict.

 Who knew? I didn't. He didn't tell me. But he did. I just didn't know the clues. I was too caught up in him, and being free. FREEEEEEEEEE. What was I thinking? Clearly at the time, I was half insane myself. After only 5 months of dating, we wed.

 I look at these glitter candles on this delightfully cute little pink cake from one of my best girlfriends at the time (she dropped off the map after WE married), and realize the horror was just beginning.

As my friend, Mrs. Scabs (I've been reading her every word for a month now, so she's my friend and she doesn't even know it yet) addiction is NO fun. It really sucks, quite literally. So, here I am. Writing my own blog of pain, healing, something...I'm still in the pain filled part. I just found out about 3 months ago that he was on a 6 month long porn binge.

Our second son is 3 months old. It hurts. Bad. So, here I am thinking... sex addiction really sucks.