Monday, December 3, 2012

I feel sick

What a day and I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I should just question my own sanity. I called my mother in law to find out if she could watch the kids tomorrow, while I go to work, and I proceeded to ask her if she would still watch them if he moved out. Mr. C (we'll call him that) and I have been fighting all weekend. Terribly. He's been in my face, whether I'm angry or in tears telling me we aren't separating and I just need to "be nice and sweet", instead of being angry all the time. I am angry all the time. So, MIL, said she would watch the 2 year  old, but not the baby til he was older bc they live an hour away, and I'm nursing the baby. So, I'd need to find a sitter. Ok, I'm bitter. She calls my husband while he's at work today to tell him politely that I want him gone. He says ok (Ok?!! wtf?), after he's battled me over it for 3 months? I swear I marrried Jekyll and Hyde. He acts all smooth and in control and calls me to say his parents will come get his clothes. All I really want is for him to realize I'm hurt and do everything it takes to make it up to me and be a changed man. But, he doesn't and he won't. I push, and he gets angry. Someone else pushes and he acts like perfectly controlled person. My MIL calls me to tell me they are on their way to get the 2 year old and Mr. C's clothes. I refused to let the 2 yr old go. Screw it. Maybe he'll think I'll take off with them both. I should. He doesn't deserve to breathe right now, or be a dad. He's no example.
 Let's see, this weekend he hid my keys and my phone again like I'm a hostage, and refuses to leave or let me leave, then the parents call him up, and he just says ok?

God, please tell me I don't have to live with insanity forever. My MIL calls while they're on their way over and tells me I've never been happy anyway and maybe this is the best. Asks me if I'm ok, and suggests maybe I "should see somebody", maybe I have "post partum depression". Yeah, so my husband jacks off to porn for at least 6 months of my pregnancy (not the first time either, he also did it with our first son), and is half present mentally at his birth, is a self centered, self serving, critical jack a**, but maybe it's just me "suffering from post partum depression"

I'm very heated inside. I've been crying all afternoon and eve. My 2 year old looks at me and tells me it's going to be ok. The baby has cried all day. I haven't seen my 7 year old since Thanksgiving bc I'm always arguing with Mr. C. I feel like a total loser for ending up here.

How am I going to raise all these kids on my own?
I feel worthless, insane, ugly, and depressed. Yet, I get bursts of hopefulness. maybe the Lord is blessing me with bursts of sanity. Truth is I don't know how I haven't cracked completely yet. Maybe I have. What would that be? Sitting in a corner thumb sucking? I'm nearly there.

He called me some very bad names this weekend. He man handles me when I get mad. Or sad. He's put several bruises on my body lately, because I'm being mean and unreasonable and he's trying to get me to listen.

He's only been to 2 SA meetings and 1 counseling session in 3 months. He says his urge is "just gone" now and he doesn't know how to explain it. "The Lord is helping him." Right. I've heard all that before. No, he insists. THIS time, it's "different", the feelings the "pull", just "aren't there anymore" I hate him.

Mr. C gets to eat and sleep at mommy and daddy's bed and breakfast, have his parents watch his kids when he needs to, and think about how he tried to make it better but I was just "mean", and "nursing my wound"
 How can I love and hate someone so much at the same time?

He wore temple garments when I met him.
He had his hands down my pants on our first date. Clue.
He had an affair with a married woman before we met, ONLY bc "she came after him, and he was so lonely" Clue.
He was still single, never married at age 40. Clue
He was still taking the sacrament throughout his porn viewing. Pig.

There's just so much more I could vent about. Like the time he would jump on facebook every time I walked out the door to post comments on a girl at his work office's page. Come to find out he knew her before she started working there and he liked her. We were just married. Pig boy. Pig boy. Pig boy.

Some days, todays' one of them, I don't know how I'm going to piece it all together and make myself whole again.

I feel shattered.


  1. Hi. I'm reading this and remembering all the same feelings. Feeling abandoned. Ignored. Misunderstood. Mistreated. Threatened. Stupid. Humiliated. Frustrated. Angry. all of it. I'm so so sorry that you are in the thick of it. Not knowing what will happen...which direction you should take...if he will make any changes, or not.

    But, I do love the picture of your pig. Nice!! haha! We have to laugh at something, right?

  2. I feel all of it. Most of all, I just want to believe him. I want the whole truth and then for him to do all it takes to be healed. Thats just too much to ask isnt it? I keep reading story after story of these broken men, and I ask WHY are we staying with them, or trying to keep our families intact when so so so few really change for life? We DO deserve better. I think Im still suffering with TT from him. It never seems to end. His counselor told me there were enough red flags he knows what he would do...but then I think of the atonement and say to myself MAYBE I should give him one more chance. But then I think about what he did during the most trying year of my life with health issues during my pregnancy...and I feel hate.