Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Homecoming

He wants to come home. Of course he does. Yesterday in the parking lot of the mall while exchanging the 2 year old, we had maybe the best conversation in 3 1/2 years of marriage. Then today I logged on to facebook, and what seemed like 325,546 solacious female friends we "might like" were on my profile. We once had a joined account. Girls he had no doubtedly "viewed." JOINED account, and he was still looking up as much facebook porn as his pigboy self could get away with. That was all it took for me to snap back into depression. I was doing ok for a couple days.

Went boot and make up shopping (you know how that can take the edge off;) last night, drank some wine (I dont even drink), not saying its the right way to deal with anything, but I did it purposefully and I'm not that sorry right now.

He denies that he's a sex addict tonight on the phone. That he "had" a problem, but it's "better than ever now". Lord, give me STRENGTH. HOW is a woman to deal with this?

You know the hardest is his denial and lies. My self esteem is in utter ruin right now. This addiction can make me feel like I'm losing my mind. But then I's not me who's wrong. It's the broken brain of him craftfully manipulating me once again. He repeats the same thing over and over.

Things I HATE to hear:
1. "You watch " (how good he can be)
2. "Just be nicer"
3. "Just be sweeter and more loving"
4. "Just be more forgiving while I work through this"
5. "I don't have an addiction. I HAD an addiction, but that was 3 months ago. I'm having no issues now. Be happy for my success"
6. "I just want us to pray together, to have more scripture study and be at church together. That's all I want honey" Obviously not.
7. " I just want to be good" Yep, right.

When he starts saying these phrases (which he repeats what seems like thousands of times), I begin to tune out. I feel like Dorothy, and all I want is to click my slippers and go home. Out of this mess. Out of insanity.

Click click.

We compromised on the homecoming. He can stay the weekend. No sex. Separate beds. He must leave Sunday. He missed his SA meeting tonight. He hasn't been to counseling in 2 weeks. He claims he's sober. I don't consider him in real recovery.

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